


Incomplete Querencia

by miya_sugar_star



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, M/M, Related to Fatal Charm, Steinway & Sons white piano
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9383210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miya_sugar_star/pseuds/miya_sugar_star
Summary: The song is not complete, not without the last piece to put together, not without the one Akira wants.[To be fixed in the future]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> With the recent real life issues I've been facing since 2017 started, I wrote these drabbles as some kind of a stress reliever for myself. Akira is pretty much me in a way, or the other way, though not entirely. I'd like to apologize in advance for any mistakes I might've overlooked.

 

Akira breathed in deeply, then pressed down the keys simultaneously.

 

The united, loud and soft sounds filled all his senses, the goose bumps-on-skin intro lingering for what felt like eternity.

 

It was so easy for him to get lost in music. His mind all black and white, fingertips against the aimed wooden pieces – repeatedly on some, moving onto the untouched and touched, further up and down an octave, half of it, a quarter of it. _Focus, focus, focus._

 

_Searching for perfection. Searching for satisfaction. Do not **break** it. _

 

If he did, it would cost him to start all over again, and he wasn’t going to have it.

 

After practicing for so long, thankfully, he no longer needed the music sheets, which were already worn and scrawled and scribbled and kept, inside a drawer and inside his head.

 

Much to his favor, the notes were flowing endlessly, like they had a few times before, all the melody being played accordingly within the increasing and decreasing speed.

 

One song.

Two different major chords, two scales, so many keys and keys.

 

Akira started humming, tuning out the external sounds that were foreign to his ears in his mind.

 

One,

two emotions, blending in together and they were so, so related to what he was feeling.

 

“The boy needs help."


	2. Music to make him 'him'

Akira had never thought he’d lose everything he’d had before at the same time. Akira hadn’t been able to accept all the loss. All his life he had done everything on his own but now; his love (failed terribly), his mental motivation (dropped devastatingly below) and his body (sick by so many unhealthy consumptions).

 

With all that, he had downgraded his performance and nearly jeopardized his scholarship. Although his parents wouldn’t have problems in supporting him financially even if he didn’t continue receiving the scholarship, but the pride; his pride, his parents’ pride and reputation would’ve been ripped huge.

 

It just seemed like he was one of those…bad kids now. It felt awful, it made him feel awful.

 

He was the smart kid. Or used to be.

 

Shame on him, _shame on you, Suzuki Akira._

 

He started learning to play piano as a help (as one of them to be exact) by a music professor. He had never refused to get the offered help. He had needed to pick up every pieces of himself back anyway. And they were now nicely arranged—just like all these keys he was producing various sounds and images with, although there were little dark cracks here and there he could still see and feel.

 

It had hurt at first, getting his fingers to adjust to tapping the keys. But the professor had helped him a lot, despite the numerous hours sacrificed to sleep early at nights. Every single day he’d spent hitting the right and wrong notes in the sound-proofed room. Fingers stretched and curled, wrists throbbing in pain after long practices. But it was all worth it.

 

He was no music student, nor did he take music elective. But playing the piano had become his hobby, he’d come to be addicted to it, and loving it as a whole like a part of himself.

 

It’d been years since he had first started to learn playing piano, playing on several keyboards and electric and upright and grand pianos. Now he knew just what kind of quality sounds could be produced. Keyboards were definitely out of question. And as he had a job that paid him high, he finally had the money to buy a grand piano for himself.

 

Nothing to be exaggerated, he was only thinking of buying, not a baby grand piano, nor a full grand piano, but the boudoir one. Nothing to be exaggerated, all the finer details and design. But still a magnificent Steinway & Sons’ product.

 

“White.” He said after a not so long moment of consideration, the word surprising his mother.

 

“Why not black? It’s elegant, it’s classy. It’s …strong; _it’s so you_.” She lifted one eyebrow, gaze dropping low to the black beast as she studied it again. She was convinced it suited the youngest Suzuki better than the white one. Though, in all honesty either of the colors would complement Akira’s new apartment, with the new furniture and painted walls and dark hardwood flooring.

 

Akira pursed his lips slightly, smiled, then shook his head. He thought it otherwise.

 

Placing a hand upon the shiny top board of the piano, Akira played three different, slow and soothing triad chords, and upon playing, he knew more than anyone else he’d made the right decision.

 

His mother agreed on that at last.


	3. Reminiscent

Akira looked out the windows at the cold December snow. The white layer thick the roofs of the lower buildings. 

His memories flooding in, warming up in his chest, instantly reaching his throat and his eyes.

There were times there came across these thoughts of visiting his old high school and going back to his old home, with Yuu. There were times when Akira dreamed of that. 

Inside his dreams, he and Yuu would hold hands together, wandering through the silent hallways and classrooms where no students were present because, technically it was a weekend, it was always during the weekends. So they both had the privilege to be free, to play and test the things around they had had used and never used before. It was fun, so much fun.

Here, had been the old school board; here had been the trophies the school had received; here had been the times when he stole silent hidden glances at Yuu from a distant; here had been where love had inevitably struck and seized him. 

He wondered if Yuu would love to do that, but then disposed the thought because logically it was impossible. He wondered if Yuu would love this song, but then scratch that because it wouldn’t reach the raven-head in any way. What did he know? Time forgets and heals, usually, inevitably, always. But if the latter wouldn’t work (most likely), the former would at least do. Although he never wanted either of them did.

Akira decided he’d just continue playing for his own now, no one to share his happiness with and make it sweeter.


	4. Tear(s)

Of course he misses Yuu.

 

He misses the way his hands pressed up against Yuu’s ribs, the slow sweet kisses they shared, Yuu’s tranquilizing scent, Yuu’s comforting warmth, Yuu’s—everything.

 

_Sometimes it’s really okay to cry, isn’t it?_

 

If he focuses and listens well to _Paul De Senneville’s Mariage D’ Amour_ , he’s certain he can hear the note resembling a tear drop.

 

No, more than one, or two.

 

He continues listening to the audio of the song.

 

This song is truly refreshing, light but at the same time it feels deep. It’s like entering and knowing a dream that you know how it will end up like. Sad. But despite that, you still work your best to make something out of everything you’re doing right now before your strength finally reaches its limit and knows, it’s time to let go, no more and just be content with what you’ve had so far.

 

That’s Akira’s interpretation from just listening. He knows this song is played in minor keys, and often minor keys suggest sadness. But then, in English, Mariage D’ Amour is translated as Marriage of Love. Therefore, it is no such sad song at all. Romantic –definitely— yes, and happy? Akira is still doubtful of that. But it seems like it also depends on the pianist’s view himself. Songs are abstract anyways, there are times you get confused of the feelings conveyed from them.

 

 _Marriage_ hmm…Akira won’t deny it’s come across his mind sometimes. When you’re considering your age, and the people around you talking about it, of course you can’t avoid being asked when will you get married? There answer is always either _yes, I’m ready_ or _no, I’m not._ Or it could be, _no, I never want to._

 

But Akira knows he’d want to at some point and time of his life, and he wants it to be with Yuu. But why can’t it be Yuu?

 

Akira can always keep on dreaming of it, reality being the one to wake up him up.

 

_Wake up wake up wake up wake up_

 

He wakes up. Every single morning to repetitive routine, his life a little dull and without Yuu.

 

He dreams. He dreams dreams, dreams that make him happy; dreams that make him depressed; dreams that make him cry. Or it’s just actually the reality’s job in this case, because the dreams always get choked by reality.

 

Akira and Yuu are probably never meant for one another. It’s just like two different tones that sound not right together, either one is not a part of the scale, harmonically ascending or descending, melodically ascending and descending. The combined sounds are always depressing, creasing eyebrows against one another, hurting the ears and making the pianist go for another key to find the matching sound.

 

Akira jams his quivering fingertips in several keys, despite the distorted and strange sounds they are making, Akira still achingly wants that different tone. Tiny, torn and teary. The sound of Yuu’s cracked, sinking voice from the call so many years ago. Well, I wish nothing but the best for you, Yuu. Akira always says that.


End file.
